Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Excuse Me While I Whine For a Bit

Dear Body,

It's been just about 8 months now since you began tormenting me with this flare up. And yes, while medication is certainly helping me to crawl out of this, I'm still crawling. I think the light at the end of the tunnel is the sun, but sometimes it's a train instead still.

I try to look on the bright side of things. I really do. I'm not sleeping 12-16 hours a day. I'm not in immense pain everywhere to the point where a sheet covering me hurts. I can get by on 10 hours of sleep now. My body isn't in constant pain. But that's when I do the bare minimum. When I go for a jog or to the gym I'm beyond sore the day after. If I run 2 errands in a row I need to sit on the couch for an hour to regain my energy. Yesterday we went into the city for a fun family outing. And it was fun. And I slept for 3 hours as soon as we got home, and then another 10 at night. I have to space major outings to every other day so I can rest in between. Or that light becomes a train again.

But it's really hard to keep looking at this positively. My list of things I need to do and want to do is huge. Its summer time and I would love to have energy to do outings with my son. The one who is growing up so fast. The one who really prefers his friends to his parents. But there are those times during the day he still wants to hang with just me. But I'm too tired. Too tired to even stay awake and watch a movie with him. Too tired to take a walk outside. Too tired to do a science experiment with him. Because if I do, then it might push me over the edge and I won't even be awake later in the day when he really might need me. Or I'm so tired I do nothing but snap and have no patience. How do I explain to him he can't sit on the couch all day and do nothing when that's usually what he sees his mother doing? How many times should he have to hear "Not now, I'm too tired, maybe in a little bit." And that little bit doesn't arrive because then it's time to do something else that we have to do instead of want to do.

So, body, how about we come to a compromise. You give me some extra energy. And then in September when Adam is back in school I can finish the crawling out while he is in school. And it won't interfere with my ability to mother the way I'd like to. What do you say? Want to give it a try?

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